I’ve been thinking a lot lately about who I am, what I represent, and how I am perceived in the world. I’m not actually sure that any of these are the same thing.
We all have a persona, a collection of behaviours and mannerisms that become who we are. Other people know us by this, and if you step outside of these lines you often hear, “What’s wrong with you today?” or, “You just aren’t acting like yourself”.
Acting like yourself – and the world is our stage. It seems like the persona is basically a put-on show, a representation of ourselves that we use to relate to each other and the world around us.
But is it actually who we are? Or just a reasonable facsimile? Are we actors on a stage, playing the parts that become our lives?
I tested this theory by doing something that others would consider drastic. To most people, drastic is really just any kind of change. In the quest to find some security in an insecure world, we tend to cling to things and people and not want them to change.
But change is inevitable. Much as you are no longer the tiny baby that came into this world, or the awkward teenager, or whichever body you were in ten years age, your personality has evolved as well.
My drastic change was walking away from a career that I loved, completely leaving behind everything that I was known for to pursue something totally different. People didn’t know how to react to this, and although I could feel their support, I could also feel the doubts as well.
Basically, many of them thought I was crazy. They still think that. Sometimes I think that too.
But through making this big change, I have reconnected with who I am on a much deeper level. Who I am isn’t what I do for a living, it is much more than that.
It is the inner essence, the quality of presence and of life energy that defines who I am.
As I progress through this journey, I am discovering that I am beyond definition. We all are.
Through the act of reinvention, I have become much more present, forced to think my way through my actions as opposed to running through the routines of life on auto-pilot.
I feel like a human being, not a human doing.
It’s scary sometimes, not having the illusion of security and routine to hide under anymore. But it’s also tremendously liberating. The persona that was me is gone now, and I stand reconnected to my vulnerability as a person.
It’s going to be quite the journey, this life that I am living. I do know one thing – I like this new me a lot. She’s going to be just fine.